To health with it

How can I help them say goodbye?

The older, country western song,  “How can I help you say goodbye” is appropriate here.   I have four weeks to tidy everything up and leave them as well as I can.  My gad.

The doctor’s office just told me that basically when my pain pill prescription runs out on November 1st next month I am a dead woman.  “Go to the ER” she so blithely recommends.  A young woman in her prime……..just had her first baby.  Very protective of her doctor-boss so I don’t count.  Not at all.

I have no doctor coverage at all as of this moment.  Because everyone is afraid of having pain patients.  Especially with the new ObamaCare rules and laws coming in January.  Weed out the patients that you can’t cure or help.  Clean off the decks Doctors.  Protect yourselves as best you can.  Dump the Medicare patients and the patients with FM…………because they use pain pills.  And we just can’t have that.  We might get into trouble.

So here I am at age 69 and not going to die from natural causes.  I am enraged of course.  God had a chance to take me home to Heaven a month ago when I was in ICU.  Obviously they exerted waaay too much effort in ‘saving my life” so I could die in seizures and cold turkey withdrawals from pain pill and anti depressant pill.

So I have to rewrite the “NO extra measures” letter for the medical folks.  Because obviously I have to be much clearer. Let me go for crying out loud!

And I have to ease the pain of my children and husband.  I hope he gets married again.  These 14 years have been very hard on him, my darling man.  And my poor daughter is gonna be so pissed at me.  I have always looked down on folks that died during the holidays and here I go; ruining the season for everyone close to me.

But there are no other options open to me.  I cannot figure out how I can save back enough pills to let my spirit be free and still have enough pains to see my family from Seattle for the last time without ruining their trip here. Geez. What am I going to do and when?

Dear blog, what a good listener you are.  Silent cyberspace and no one knows.  The great gaping hole that I am shouting into.



To health with it

I stayed with them so why are they all gone now?

I stayed with them so why are they all gone now?  My friends simply can’t take the reminder of my unwellness.  They can’t abide nor deal with the powerlessness of loving someone who is always sick and that there is no cure, no solutions, no help.

This would be understandable if I had enjoyed being sick, telling and re-telling all the gory health issues over the years with zest and delight.  But I have never been a happy sick person and mostly private about it all.  I have shared anger and frustrations.  I have asked for prayers.

But they are all gone now.  After almost dying in ICU three months ago, they just could not tolerate anymore bad news from my life.  So now, when I could really really use someone to talk to so I don’t have to burden my husband……..they are all gone.  Busy.  Involved in their own life dramas with no time for me.

Yet I stayed with each of them at different times through so many crisis and long-term challenges.  Carrying one sick friend literally to church and setting her up on a lawn chair so she could lay there and receive prayers.  I hung in there through the diagnosis and death of Bart.  I was there constantly for over a year for his wife and three small children.  I was a listening board for another friend in an abusive relationship.  Crying at times with worry for her physical safety.  Now she is gone too.  Gone back to her abusive marriage.  And just doesn’t have energy or time to be a friend anymore.  Unless it is me listening to her……yuppers.  They are all gone now.

Alone we come into life; alone we leave.

To health with it

Final Conclusion

I have finally reached the conclusion that I will never feel or be well again in this lifetime.  Odd.  It just loudly asserted itself and I knew.  It is all done.  After 14 years and 5,208 days of 24 hour pain, burning body, nausea and other physical issues…..after 14 years of ‘taking it to the limit one more time’……I realize I am fresh out of one-more-times.  Fresh out of energy to continue attacking what is my life.  The reality and the facts of my life are that I am unwell.  Have been unwell for a long time and will not ever feel/be well again.

Time for a tidy acceptance.  Which is so against my nature.  Some say I have been a very strong woman.  Me thinks that for 69 years I have simply been a stubborn woman.  Because this character trait of mine to fight and fight some more is now beginning to kill me.

The old AA saying;  What allowed me to survive is now beginning to kill me.

To health with it

Happy 5,208th Anniversary

Thank goodness I never ‘marketed’ or promoted this blog.  Because now it is my private place to talk.  And no one will know or see. This is the only place I can talk about the end.  My family can’t…….my friends have all gone because I am too sick too often.  So its you and me bloggy-dear.  The final race.

My 5,208 days with hourly pain.  I was diagnosed in October, 1998………so now 14 years later I am at the end. Yesterday the final doctor threw me on the medical-waste-heap.  Because I was not warm and excited to start all over again with ‘cures and solutions’ like hypnosis, acupuncture, detox at age 69 and start all over again with pain pills, positive meditations and affirmations, bio-feedback, exercise, yoga and other things.  Plus he thought it would be a great idea (Probably for his pocketbook) for me to get MIR, CAT scans, Xrays and other tests because he was convinced it was not fibromyalgia causing my pain but that I might need more back surgery.

Meanwhile the two doctors have decided to not write a pain pill prescription for me.  So I have until November to survive.  Then pow!  it be done.

I shared my vulnerable heart with this new doctor………..he could not hear.  I followed the other doctor’s prescriptions and ideas.  Not knowing I should of been in charge.  Was supposed to question and fight everything he prescribed for me.  I had no idea.  I just trusted him.  Now he has decided he is not a pain management doctor and away I go.  I think he was able to build up his new practice promising the moon……then just dumped the patients that did not fit his new business plan.

So here I am on my 14th anniversary facing a black hole.  And on top of everything else I have an old-lady-wart that appeared right in the middle of my forehead!  That is a low blow life!  Low blow.


To health with it

Accepting Pain

June 20, 2004

How  can I continue to believe that I can make plans?

How is it that I am stupid enough to actually “forget” that pain always wins?

What perversion lets me hope again for a new and normal day?

How do I keep doing it?

Making plans for my days.


Defeating pain tells me no

My hoping heart tells me yes

Hope deferred makes the heart grow sick


The key to acceptance is willingnessThey tell me the trick would be

To live today in spite of the pain

With head held high


They tell me it is all in attitude

And praying for relief

Here is where I should buck-up

And not let pain win.


But after 2000 days with all of pain’s ways

I am tired and not interested

In expending that kind of energy

I would rather go away


Company is coming and I have to give

When empty doesn’t even come close

To saying what I am


Pain you are more of me than you have a right to be

But I don’t know how to move you out

I am losing ground with you pain

You are becoming more of me

Than I am of my self.


To health with it

Pain sometimes wins

June 20, 2004

Pain wins sometimes

The pain is so great today

Making me so sad

I had such great plans

Yet one more time pain wins


Pain preoccupies, pain rules

I hunker on down hoping to escape

Losing hope with every pain filled breath


When pain gets this high

I lose my sight

I lose my human hope.


Pain waves and moves across my brain

Pain conquers me with utter disdain


I am so embarrassed, I don’t know why

Like I did something wrong

And don’t know what it is


Pain is a signal that something is wrong

So why not wonder what is wrong in me?

What did I do, what could I of changed

How did I create this pain and lose control?


Where was the wrong turn, the wrong action

That brought me to this pain.

Or did pain simply find me

And settle in


Just when I think that I have become familiar with pain

Enough to live in spite of it

It changes and moves and increases in new ways

Scares me and reminds me

Pain is in control.


Pain sometimes wins


To health with it

I really dislike being Unwell…….however……

I will only say these things once because I hate illness.  Yet, I became one. Or several actually.

I am an A-type personality.  Go-go-GO! That was my motto.  Speed was safety and success.  It was a drug even.  My entire personality is built around the ability to go fast and do a lot.  I loved it.

So 13 years ago when the doctor laid “fibromyalgia’ on me as a diagnosis…..well I ignored him and for eight years chased after any touted cure I could find for the disease I couldn’t even spell!   It certainly was not going to rule my life.

FM (fibromyalgia) is a disease of the muscles with no cure and no treatments. The muscles fill up with toxins (pus basically) and inflame the muscles which in turn creates daily/hourly/yearly pain without relief.  There are many theories of the cause but no effort to find cures because the drug company makes so much money-making drugs to mask the symptoms and pain.  When a person has FM they are constantly nauseous, and have vague flu-like symptoms and chronic  fatigue.  Just what an A-type personality loves!

So after crashing and burning in my ‘cure chasing season’ I finally accepted this lifetime malady just in time to be diagnosed with severe arthritis in the hips and stenosis of the spine which back surgery made even worse.

On a good day my pain is at a 5.  I score my pains as the following: 10 is passing out. 9 is chanting “Oh my god, oh my god!” and moaning loudly while writing on the sofa. 8 is when I am yelping, “ok,ok, ok” over and over again, waving my arms in the air.  6 is a deep frown and desire to just be by myself most of the time.  5 is a pesky and perky irritant that is ok if I can find something to keep me busy and moving around.  4 and below is heaven.  I have had very few 4-days.

So all posts in this category are born out of this tiny side of my life with all its emotions, tantrums, griefs and fears.

I hate illnesses so I just don’t wanna have to explain one more time on my blog.  However. because it is a living breathing part of my daily life….I will share some things from time to time about this least-favorite subject.