The older, country western song, “How can I help you say goodbye” is appropriate here. I have four weeks to tidy everything up and leave them as well as I can. My gad.
The doctor’s office just told me that basically when my pain pill prescription runs out on November 1st next month I am a dead woman. “Go to the ER” she so blithely recommends. A young woman in her prime……..just had her first baby. Very protective of her doctor-boss so I don’t count. Not at all.
I have no doctor coverage at all as of this moment. Because everyone is afraid of having pain patients. Especially with the new ObamaCare rules and laws coming in January. Weed out the patients that you can’t cure or help. Clean off the decks Doctors. Protect yourselves as best you can. Dump the Medicare patients and the patients with FM…………because they use pain pills. And we just can’t have that. We might get into trouble.
So here I am at age 69 and not going to die from natural causes. I am enraged of course. God had a chance to take me home to Heaven a month ago when I was in ICU. Obviously they exerted waaay too much effort in ‘saving my life” so I could die in seizures and cold turkey withdrawals from pain pill and anti depressant pill.
So I have to rewrite the “NO extra measures” letter for the medical folks. Because obviously I have to be much clearer. Let me go for crying out loud!
And I have to ease the pain of my children and husband. I hope he gets married again. These 14 years have been very hard on him, my darling man. And my poor daughter is gonna be so pissed at me. I have always looked down on folks that died during the holidays and here I go; ruining the season for everyone close to me.
But there are no other options open to me. I cannot figure out how I can save back enough pills to let my spirit be free and still have enough pains to see my family from Seattle for the last time without ruining their trip here. Geez. What am I going to do and when?
Dear blog, what a good listener you are. Silent cyberspace and no one knows. The great gaping hole that I am shouting into.
I stayed with them so why are they all gone now? My friends simply can’t take the reminder of my unwellness. They can’t abide nor deal with the powerlessness of loving someone who is always sick and that there is no cure, no solutions, no help.
This would be understandable if I had enjoyed being sick, telling and re-telling all the gory health issues over the years with zest and delight. But I have never been a happy sick person and mostly private about it all. I have shared anger and frustrations. I have asked for prayers.
But they are all gone now. After almost dying in ICU three months ago, they just could not tolerate anymore bad news from my life. So now, when I could really really use someone to talk to so I don’t have to burden my husband……..they are all gone. Busy. Involved in their own life dramas with no time for me.
Yet I stayed with each of them at different times through so many crisis and long-term challenges. Carrying one sick friend literally to church and setting her up on a lawn chair so she could lay there and receive prayers. I hung in there through the diagnosis and death of Bart. I was there constantly for over a year for his wife and three small children. I was a listening board for another friend in an abusive relationship. Crying at times with worry for her physical safety. Now she is gone too. Gone back to her abusive marriage. And just doesn’t have energy or time to be a friend anymore. Unless it is me listening to her……yuppers. They are all gone now.
Alone we come into life; alone we leave.
I have finally reached the conclusion that I will never feel or be well again in this lifetime. Odd. It just loudly asserted itself and I knew. It is all done. After 14 years and 5,208 days of 24 hour pain, burning body, nausea and other physical issues…..after 14 years of ‘taking it to the limit one more time’……I realize I am fresh out of one-more-times. Fresh out of energy to continue attacking what is my life. The reality and the facts of my life are that I am unwell. Have been unwell for a long time and will not ever feel/be well again.
Time for a tidy acceptance. Which is so against my nature. Some say I have been a very strong woman. Me thinks that for 69 years I have simply been a stubborn woman. Because this character trait of mine to fight and fight some more is now beginning to kill me.
The old AA saying; What allowed me to survive is now beginning to kill me.