I am still amazed at how fast my life changed. From one day to the next. One day I was 53-54 and on top of my little world. My kids were grown, married and multiplying like bunnies. I had a great marriage and the world was my stage. Free at last, free at last.
To do anything I wanted. I had been a women’s recovery speaker and workshop facilitator for many years and now I was free to chose any vocation or avocation I wanted to choose. The world was my shrimp. (I hate oysters)
Then the phone call came. She has cut her throat from ear to ear with a steak knife the self-centered little twit. And because I was the last ‘professional’ to talk to her…..she was nice enough to include me in her suicide note. That they read at her funeral. My life as I had known it was over.
Then two months later my mother-in-law fell on me and I had to hold her 190 pounds on my knee as we rode the rest of the way up the escalator I saved her from falling backwards into the people behind us. But I destroyed my body at the same time. Even as my quivering body tried to hold her til we got to the top my mind was telling me, “boy are you fucked! This is gonna be really bad on your back and body.”
And one year later I was in a fetal position on my bed moaning in pain. Had no idea what was wrong. The doctor said fibromyalgia. Never had heard the word; could not even spell it. How could that be? I had always been healthy and strong. It was explained later that the stress from the suicide then the escalator ride with my mother-in-law had caused my muscles to stay stuck in a bunched up position and they were now filled with toxins and puss and there was no treatment or cure.
Plus I was pleased to find out that in 1998 most doctors believed it was psychological because it was mostly a woman’s disorder. How special. I now had a malady that would become a fad diagnosis and a huge money maker for the drug industry.
I didn’t believe the no-cure thing. I put my head below the bit and attacked. I did every single ‘cure’ mentioned by friends and Internet. Nearly killed myself those first few years. I hit cure-bottom after having all my teeth pulled because a friend sent me an article about a woman who had lots of root canals and had heard the empty root canals were breeding grounds for FM. So she had all her teeth pulled and she was instantly cured!
I followed right behind her only all I ended up with was insane pain and an empty mouth.
The next phase I attacked was what I now call conditional acceptance. I accepted I had this so called disease but I did not accept that I could not find a way to live life successfully in spite of it all. For the past 9 years I have been doing that. Only it has brought me to another and final bottom. There is no cure. There is no help or solution and now I will never be well again in this lifetime. Because 14 years of fight has destroyed my body and depleted my energies, both physical and emotional.
So the final leg of this journey is here. What should I call it? hummm let me think……….
